don't be idle
things I regret:
not making the phone call
frantic texts
hitting the snooze
e-mails written by adrenaline
not leaving home for good when I turned 18
scrolling before bed
waiting to be hit by car, and in this story, breaking my leg, but not enough to be seriously injured, just enough to get two weeks in the hospital and a $500k settlement, payable immediately
waiting waiting waiting
I don’t regret:
picking up the phone and dialing
getting up with the alarm
leaving jobs I don’t love
throwing the party
getting married
sending the memes
reading the books
but a thousand times, I wish I’d just picked up the phone.
when I was 18 I found an old book at Powell’s. the binding was ripped up, it smelled like a basement. I bought it for $2.99 and I underlined and read re-read read, took it to the xerox store, cut out copies in my notebooks, and later in my car, taped it to the ancient visor.
“No. I will only say that if you do not like your life, it is your own fault. How can a man of your age talk of being melancholy, or of the hollowness of existence? …. Is there any reason in the world why you should not enjoy all you have got in life?”
“No. There is no reason whatever, except that I am dreadfully unlucky, especially in small things.”
“Then try big things, just for a change,” suggested Miss Lammas. “Try and get married, for instance, and see how it turns out.”
“If it turned out badly it would be rather serious.”
“Not half so serious as it is to abuse everything unreasonably. If abuse is your particular talent, abuse something that ought to be abused. Abuse the Conservatives–or the Liberals–it does not matter which, since they are always abusing each other. Make yourself felt by other people. You will like it, if they don’t... Fill your mouth with pebbles, and howl at the sea, if you cannot do anything else…”
“Really, Miss Lammas, I think the list of innocent exercises you propose–“
“Very well–if you don’t care for that sort of thing, care for some other sort of thing. Care for something, or hate something. Don’t be idle. Life is short, and though art may be long, plenty of noise answers nearly as well.”
I don’t regret the noise. It’s the silence I’d take back a thousand times, if I could.